Yeah, I know, not the most engaging title in the world, right? I think it would have been better for my most recent fit of insomnia had started closer to 12 am, because at least I could have called this blog “Midnight Musings” instead. To be honest, I considered titling it just that and I’m sure I could get away with it, but it didn’t feel like it fit with my personality to use creative license without a distinct purpose. But I digress.
Or do I? Can you digress if you really don’t have a point? Maybe? I don’t know. Being up this late, knowing I should be drop-dead tired (even though I’m not) has caused me to fall into the trap known as introspection. I’ve always hated introspection, truth be told. Does anyone like it? If you’re a normal person who isn’t a narcissist then you understand that introspection, while it should be used as a good tool, is often used to put ourselves down. And why the fuck is that? Why do we open our hearts and souls up to ourselves, delving deep into the recesses of who we are, just to drag up shit about ourselves that we don’t like? Yeah…fuck that noise.
Why can’t I, through this process, cajole myself into introspecting the better qualities of me? Why shouldn’t I? What would I say?
I think I’d start with some basic stuff. First, I’d admit that maybe it would be best to reflect upon last year. I mean, that’s what people do at the beginning of a new year, right? They write ‘year in review’ posts, and they talk about all the stuff that happened with the other stuff that was going on. They talk about the good stuff (man, that was amazing stuff) and the bad stuff (like, seriously, that stuff was a bummer). We go off about how some stuff was big (the size of stuff matters, right?) and how some of it was like mediocre stuff. And we, or they, reflect upon all the hypothetical stuff they want to happen this year.
So, 2019 was a tough year. But it wasn’t a bad year. The funny thing to me is that like so many other students, 2019 actually started for me in September of 2018. It’s an odd way of thinking, I know, but seeing as how the school year begins in September and carries on until April the following year (yay, University) it works out. 2018/2019 was my first year of University and holy shit was I scared. But I worked hard, studied as much as possible, and got straight A’s. Not bad for an old man. But the year wasn’t without challenges. My grandmother passed away in February of 2019, and in June we found out my daughter (19 years old) was pregnant. Fate, it seems, really likes to favour balance.
September 2019 brought new challenges with school and a decision to stop working while I pursued my education. Not an easy thing to do, but necessary, I believe. Over the course of the next four months, I’d lose many friends I cared about when they cut ties, but I gained many more. Once again, I had a stellar semester at school and nearly managed straight A’s. December also brought the fruition of a lifelong dream–to own my own business. With a partner, I helped to create the Commonly Creative Network which launched officially on January 1st. All of this brings us to right now, I guess.
It’s 3 am (actually 4:30 am by the time I post this). I’m staring at the clock. Monday is the beginning of a new semester. It’s exciting, and terrifying, and exhausting. So maybe that’s why I can’t sleep? Maybe it’s because I have so much on my mind I don’t know what to do. Or maybe sometimes insomnia is just insomnia.