I guess I’d had a faraway look in my eyes at the dinner table when my eldest daughter spoke up, trying to get my attention.
“Earth to Dad. What’s on your mind?” She asked me.
Startled momentarily I was brought out of my apparent daydream. I gave my head a quick shake. “Sorry, pal. I just had a topic from class on my mind.” I replied to her.
Shovelling another fork-full of mashed potatoes into her mouth, she nodded. “Must be an interesting topic,” she mumbled before taking a drink of water. “want to talk about it?”
I thought for a moment, considering how I wanted to frame my thoughts. In the brief instant between when “G” offered her query and when I was prepared to answer, she had picked up her iPhone and began to browse Instagram. With her face buried in the LED smartphone screen, she could not see me frown.
“We’re working on a new topic. The question at hand is how social media has affected empathy. Specifically, we’re looking at whether it has improved empathy, lowered it, or both.” I responded flatly.
It took my daughter a little over two seconds to process what I had said. Quickly she placed her phone face-down on the table. “Sorry.” She said, avoiding eye contact. Neither of us spoke to one another for several minutes. I could only imagine what she was thinking. Finally, she spoke up.
“I…I guess that maybe social media has negatively affected us, from an empathetic standpoint.”
In our house, thoughtful conversation at the dinner table is nothing new. Our family uses the time to connect with one another, talk about our days, and generally give each other our undivided attention (though occasionally we falter, and bring our phones to the table). Therefore, it wasn’t out of the ordinary for me to take a beat to respond, even to ask the obvious follow-up question. “And why do you think that?”
“G” shrugged. “I don’t know. I guess…I guess it’s because I see a lot of kids my age tag each other in posts, sometimes, and they say some pretty horrible things that they would never say to each other’s faces. You know?”
I nodded. “Yea, I can see that,” I replied. “But why do you think that could be?”
“G” herself now took a pause to consider her answer. “I don’t know for sure. Maybe it’s because if I say something to you online, I don’t have to see your face or your reaction. It makes it…impersonal…?”
I had to admit that she had a good point, but I still wasn’t sold. “So, what you’re saying is that the relative anonymity of the internet makes us think less about what we’re saying to each other?”
As she finished the last bite of her roast beef, she nodded. “That sounds right.”
“Okay.” I paused for effect. “I think my next question is one you’re going to struggle with.”
“Try me.” She responded, smiling as I would.
“Do you think this lack of empathy is because of social media, or are we, perhaps, using it as a scape-goat for our shitty attitudes?”
“G” quickly picked up her phone to look up ‘scape-goat.’ Finding a definition that satisfied her curiosity, she set the phone down. “…maybe?”
“I think it’s easy,” I started. “to blame technology and outside influences for our woes, you know? When your grandparents were young society blamed cigarette companies for making smoking look attractive, even though there were enough studies to say it was dangerous. Then when I was a child society blamed television for ruining their children’s attention spans. They never stopped to consider that they were putting their children in front of the TV instead of spending time with them. More recently, our society has blamed video games for violence in adolescents. But did we ever stop and think that some children are becoming more violent because we don’t talk to them enough? As parents maybe we’re not spending enough time connecting with our children. We don’t stop anymore to understand that they have thoughts, feelings, and opinions that we’re not paying attention to. I guess what I’m trying to say is that we can blame all our woes on cigarettes, television, video games, or social media, but I think it would be more productive, instead, to examine our personal responsibility. We need to understand that social media is a tool, and the application of the tool rests with the user. Or, in other terms, social media doesn’t make someone an asshole. People are already assholes and then they use social media.”
“G” thought about what I had said and got up to put her plate in the dishwasher. “You know what I like about you, Dad?”
“My wallet?” I grinned.
Lovingly she kissed the top of my head as she headed towards her room. “You always have a way with words. I love you, Dad.”
I think that this is spot on. Many times technology is used to hide behind to avoid things we’d rather not face. It’s also easy to abuse. I like the idea that social media is a tool, and how we use it can promote or negate connectivity at the human level. Additionally, when one chooses to use social media, or do any task, one is giving attention to what is at hand. So there is an inherent “cost” in terms of time. Could that be used on something more constructive? Like spending physical time with loved ones? Learning a new activity? I use social media, and I’m going to include blogging, for a number of reasons and different platforms have different audiences. Primarily I use them to promote a connection. That could be with distant friends and family, or strangers. For example, technology allows me to drop a quick “how are you, thinking of you” to people I care, any time of the day. It also can make a stranger feel not so alone in a world that has become very complex and isolated to many. But is it also allowing us to hide? To become more disconnected? All very thought provoking ideas, and I think your blog captures a lot of truths and opens the door to more thought (and I could go on, but I have to get my kids to bed). On a personal note, I think it’s great that you spend quality time with your family. I believe there is no greater impact that we can have by being present with them. Thank you.
I don’t think it’s a far stretch to believe that the internet allows us to hide. I think that fact is what makes the internet as dangerous as it is. People hide behind the anonymity of their keyboards sometimes, feeling safe in their bubbles. While there some dole out large heaps of vile and vitriole.
But there are good people out there, too. People who want to care about others, people who want nothing more than to be a light in the darkness, and through the internet they can do so without risking much. I think the best thing I could have said, possibly the most powerful idea I was able to realize, is that the internet doesn’t make people assholes. Instead, it enables people to let out the inner asshole, all while still being able to hide behind a keyboard.
I agree; social media seems to be taking the place of getting together face to face. I was discussing this the other day with my daughter (40 something). When she was young, I agreed that television was affecting society as a whole negatively, because that seemed to consume the majority of people’s time. I saw this in my son, the oldest of three, when he was four years old. He could tell the entire program line-up for the day and evening – even knew what day it was by what was being shown. I quickly put a halt to this and limited TV time to 30 minutes a day. He had friends he could play with, and I insisted that he do that. Mealtime was always family time. We were active in church, and he had toys to occupy his time. This was carried thru with my two daughters. Mealtime was off-limits with the phone unless it was a dire necessity. I worked in the local high school for three years and saw social media taking over even in the classroom. The students did not listen to lectures because they were too busy talking on social media.
The problem is, I think – could be wrong, it creates a barrier that does not allow genuine interaction. There can be no physical hugs when someone is hurting. There can be no physical celebration between two friends because one of their deepest crushes finally asked them out. Even dates are not the same – not enough to talk about because it has all been said on social media which allows a stoic response. We spent time with our children – played games with them, went to church with them, jointly participated in school functions with them. Their ‘lives’ were important. What they did with their lives was important. We did not use television or the telephone or whatever as a babysitter. I taught my children to cook, clean and keep a home. My next question may offend some, but I think it needs to be asked. How many parents of young people today teach them how to manage a home, actively – or do they just expect them to absorb it by osmosis? I have known many parents who say, “It is just easier to do it myself than o have to fuss with them about getting it done!” What are parents for, if not to do the things I have discussed. Do we resent our children so much that we do not want to spend quality time with them? I would truly like to know what other people of the older generation see. It is my generation who have made the above comment about doing instead of teaching. Did the baby boomers not drop the ball somewhere? I fear we did!
You have a wonderful blog! I commend you! Keep up the good work!
I think you’ve made several good points with your response, and I could go on with my responses to your responses, but instead, I’ll try and answer the question you posed. I don’t know how many parents actively teach their children nowadays. I think I believe that it’s not anywhere close to enough, though. This is, however, not to say that I think parents are lax. I think this comes in as a product of many different circumstances at once. Are parents to blame for their children not developing important life skills? Yes, partly. But I also feel as though it’s a multi-faceted problem. I think part of the issue could be lifestyles and working conditions. Times are different now than when I was younger. My mother could make enough money with one job and minimal education for a three-bedroom apartment. Of course, she didn’t. My mother had vices. But my point is, she could have if she wanted to.
Things have changed. Affordable housing is harder to find. Higher paying jobs are more difficult to get. Automation is changing things. Daycare and babysitters are more expensive. To work more, you have to pay more. But to pay more, you have to work more. Family time seems to take a back seat to responsibility, and working the extra hours. What’s lost is a sense of cohesiveness in family, all because parents want to do the right thing.
Of course, these are all generalizations, and maybe they’re even excuses I’m using to defend the state of families in our society. I don’t know.